i fell in love with hope by lancali | book review

I Fell In Love With Hope by Lancali

Published on August 1, 2022 by Lancali LLC

Genres: Romance, LGBTQ+, Contemporary Fiction, Mental Health

Pages: 403

Format: Paperback

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★★★

Against the unforgiving landscape of a hospital, I fell in love with a mischievous, sun-eyed boy who became my only joy in that desolate place. That’s what made it all the more soul-crushing when he committed suicide in front of me.

Since then, I've sworn never to love anyone again. With three exceptions: My friends, Sony, Neo, and Coeur, a little gang of rebellious, dying kids. Sony leads the charge with the air of freedom and only one lung to breathe it. Neo, a bad-tempered and wheel-chaired writer, keeps track of our great deeds from stealing to terrorizing our nurse. Coeur is the beautiful boy, the muscle, the gentle giant with a failing heart.

Before death inevitably knocks down our doors, my thieves and I have one last heist planned. A great escape that will take us far from abusive parents, crippling loss, and the realities of our diseases. So what happens when someone else walks through the door? What happens when a girl joins our party and renders me speechless with her mischievous smile? What happens when she has suns in her eyes, and as terrified as I am to lose again, I start to fall?

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If I Stay meets The Fault in Our Stars in this YA romance set around a group of chronically ill friends and what it means to fall in love again.

“Just because the stars fell doesn't mean they weren't worth wishing on.”

When I saw this book sitting on a Target shelf, I had been intrigued and thought that it might be something that I'd enjoy (guiltily, I do judge books by their cover). I had read the blurb and while it reminded me of nothing unique, for there were thousands of existential, sad ending medical romances already out there, I had found myself in the mood to read one, which encouraged the impulsive buy.

That said, this book fell short of my already barely-there expectations. It was confusing in the way that I wondered whether there were some magical realism elements (think David Leviathan's Everyday, in which the main character A wakes up each day in a different body and struggles to find love). There were hints of some sort of spiritual reincarnation, as the FMC Sam loses her first love but then seems convinced that his essence comes back in the form of a newly admitted patient named Hikari.

And don't even get me started on the prose. There were some lines that had potential to be groundbreaking, but every page was littered with those lines until my head spun from the whiplash of being transported back to the 2016 "deep thoughts" pages of Tumblr and Pinterest.

“Then I'll spread your ashes in the sea and walk into the waves.”

This book was self-published, but I always give self-published authors the benefit of the doubt. However, this was one of those books that you could just tell was amateurly written and aspired to be at the same level of John Green's books. (Though, a part of me wonders if John Green's success comes from the decade during which they were released, in which Tumblr and Pinterest quotes were all the rage. I saw a Tik Tok video recently that suggested that if John Green were to publish his books now, he would be labeled the male Colleen Hoover. Do with that what you will.)

It was hard for me to really feel connected to the characters when all my interactions with them were preachy, about life, about death, about relationships and trust. It is clear to me that Lancali wrote this book with the intention of being quoted.

The characters were also very two-dimensional and cliche. The jaded main character who refuses to open up because she was hurt in the past? The whirlwind of a love interest who opens the main character's eyes? The athletic black boy who's a gentle giant? Etc. These characters make up any friend group, and quite frankly it was boring to read, especially considering that Lancali didn't add any interesting variations or personalized twists.

The ending was also confusing, though I won't dive into those spoilers, and the magical realism aspect once again rears its ugly yet vague head. I've seen that trope done well--think You've Reached Same by Dustin Thao. But from the books I've read, in order to do it well, you need to really lean into the magical realism aspects. This book? It might have grazed the surface, teased the reader with slight, fleeting ideas that aimed to be deep and profound but instead had the opposite effect.

While I didn't hate this book or DNF it, I can confidently say that none of it is very memorable and that there are better books out there about these topics.